This fucking pandemic has really screwed around with everyone. I guess I’m lucky in not getting sick and having just received my second dose of the Moderna vaccine. I’ve had several close friends get ill and one person I know has died. But I also haven’t escaped unscathed as my relationship with Sir has apparently ended.
It’s no one’s fault, but we haven’t been able to spend time together in a year and that physical connection was just as important as our mental one was. Without my being able to physically satisfy His needs, things just drifted. The connection we have just seemed to fade the longer we were apart.
This has left me feeling adrift. Tripp and I are as strong as ever, but now something is missing. That part of me that needs to serve, to submit, to be owned is left unfulfilled. I’m not sure how to handle this.
It’s interesting to me how much Sir’s desire to have me locked played into my own. I’m still locked (in fact, it’s almost 900 days), but I’m feeling far less motivation to be locked. I always thought that Sir’s desires just reinforced my own, but now I realize how strongly my desire was to please him. Without Him, I’m not feeling it as strongly as I used to.
Sir was the first person to actually put me in a cage, and the excitement I felt about it was intense. It fueled my journey, and without His enthusiasm, I’m feeling a distinct loss.
I haven’t written in a while because this has been a lot to process. I know I need someone like Sir in my life to feel complete. Oh, Tripp likes me locked, but it’s not his be all and end all. I needed Sir’s discipline, His energy, and His enthusiasm. I just feel a bit empty. I have all that submissive energy with no outlet.
I still enjoy being locked. I’m not thinking about not being locked, I just feel somehow that there is less reason to be, if that makes any sense. My dominant side is not having any issues (particularly with a certain Pup I am very fond of), but I need an outlet for the submissive side of my personality. I need to be someone’s slave. I need to feel that use, that pleasure in letting go in someone else’s presence, that feeling of losing myself in someone else’s power.
I’m not sure what the future holds (who is?), but I’m open to the possibilities. Still, I’m mourning the loss of my Master. It’s been tough, but honestly, others have suffered far worse.
Be well and say safe,