Casualties

This fucking pandemic has really screwed around with everyone. I guess I’m lucky in not getting sick and having just received my second dose of the Moderna vaccine. I’ve had several close friends get ill and one person I know has died. But I also haven’t escaped unscathed as my relationship with Sir has apparently ended.

It’s no one’s fault, but we haven’t been able to spend time together in a year and that physical connection was just as important as our mental one was. Without my being able to physically satisfy His needs, things just drifted. The connection we have just seemed to fade the longer we were apart.

This has left me feeling adrift. Tripp and I are as strong as ever, but now something is missing. That part of me that needs to serve, to submit, to be owned is left unfulfilled. I’m not sure how to handle this.

It’s interesting to me how much Sir’s desire to have me locked played into my own. I’m still locked (in fact, it’s almost 900 days), but I’m feeling far less motivation to be locked. I always thought that Sir’s desires just reinforced my own, but now I realize how strongly my desire was to please him. Without Him, I’m not feeling it as strongly as I used to.

Sir was the first person to actually put me in a cage, and the excitement I felt about it was intense. It fueled my journey, and without His enthusiasm, I’m feeling a distinct loss.

I haven’t written in a while because this has been a lot to process. I know I need someone like Sir in my life to feel complete. Oh, Tripp likes me locked, but it’s not his be all and end all. I needed Sir’s discipline, His energy, and His enthusiasm. I just feel a bit empty. I have all that submissive energy with no outlet.

I still enjoy being locked. I’m not thinking about not being locked, I just feel somehow that there is less reason to be, if that makes any sense. My dominant side is not having any issues (particularly with a certain Pup I am very fond of), but I need an outlet for the submissive side of my personality. I need to be someone’s slave. I need to feel that use, that pleasure in letting go in someone else’s presence, that feeling of losing myself in someone else’s power.

I’m not sure what the future holds (who is?), but I’m open to the possibilities. Still, I’m mourning the loss of my Master. It’s been tough, but honestly, others have suffered far worse.

Be well and say safe,

-Doc

Published by Locked Doc

Middle aged switch reclaiming his kink and exploring Bdsm with both his husband and his Master. Always locked.

4 thoughts on “Casualties

  1. Dude, this is a Golden share. It hurts like fuck too. I can read between your lines because mine are full of the same loss.

    Unlike you, I chose the cage as a way of owning myself. Self-mastery. While my fisting years are waaaay longer than my chastity years, I think I found a home in my cage, just as your submission helped you to find. Whatever the path, this is a brotherhood of people who choose to either give up control or put themselves in front of a lens that focuses themselves through.

    That background aside, I wanted to say I am poly. I have a husband. We are all open. But I lost three boys and one very special brother this year. I talk about poly in familial terms – these are not blood relations. The brother hit me in the nuts, though with anger. It brought me to my knees so hard that I killed my blog (he made a point about that), and then, to make matters worse, my submissive trainee dropped me as his Sir. January sucked. But yeah, well, my whole romantic circle died the past twelve months. How I think of that is that it takes physical presence and present energy to keep those ties bound. I mourned these losses because they spanned a decade+ in some cases. My husband being the longest at 29 years but we cohabitate. He’s Asexual. Then there’s the psychic instability I’ve dealt with myself. It’s been a mind rape.

    I guess what I wanted to leave you with, from one caged man to another (for obviously different reasons), is that better days are coming. The need you talk about in this post? Well, it was your relationship with your Sir that helped you to define that. It made you, in part, who you are now. So yes, as with the devastation of my own circle, once things loosen again socially, the challenge becomes deprogramming from the past year (+) of distancing protocols. And here’s a confession that I’m working out with my therapist. I’m having nightmares of being in public with people who are not masked. This is dangerous because I could already bunker down out in the woods and never come back as it is. But I found that love is worth the self-exposure so to speak. It’s why I’ve tried to put myself back out here again (three times now, one punch to the gut at a time).

    So yeah, I hear you. But, if I may, keep the faith. Lick your wounds. Set your sights on different times. Let your heart guide you because, and I can guarantee this, there will be so many more opportunities for everyone to realize who they are in the company of brothers again.

    Liked by 1 person

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