I’ve been unlocked more time this past month than I have for the past year. I’ve had an exam with a general surgeon, a pre-op exam with my GP, surgery, and a post op exam so far, all of which required me to unlock, and I have absolutely hated every minute of it.
There was a time not all that long ago that I looked forward to being unlocked. It used to be a game. I’d be locked for a few days, or maybe a week, and then I’d get unlocked and get to use my cock. I looked forward to both being locked and to being eventually unlocked. I knew that, at the end of whatever time I was locked, I was going to be free range again. Being locked was never a punishment, but I eagerly anticipated being unlocked. It made being locked more exciting because the desire was building and I knew I was going to have sensational orgasms. Being locked was the appetizer, the amuse bouche, if you will, for some amazing sex later.
Then, something odd started happening. When it was time to be unlocked, I stopped wanting it, stopped looking forward to it, and found the thought of not being locked to be depressing. It didn’t happen overnight. In fact, it happened slowly over many years, until one day I realized I did not want to be unlocked ever again. It wasn’t foreplay anymore, it was the main course. It coincided with a deepening D/s relationship, and the two were definitely intertwined, but it was more than that. Even after that relationship ended, the desire to be locked essentially permanently remained, and has so ever since.
I think Thumper and I have talked about this, but I remember being very self conscious about being in a cage in the beginning. While I loved it (mostly, I put up with a lot of discomfort until I found Steelwerks), it was embarrassing. I had no problem with my Sir seeing me locked, but I didn’t want anyone else to. Now, I’m self conscious if I’m not locked. I don’t even want my cat to see my flesh cock. The cage is comfort and security, it’s part of me, it belongs there, and I don’t feel whole without it.
Now I know it does come off now and again for cleaning and pubic maintenance, but that’s necessary and only for a short period of time. But going out and about unlocked just feels so wrong. It’s hard to explain, but I feel naked without it, even fully clothed.
Technically, Trip (and potentially Sir when we get to that point), can unlock me anytime he wants. Trip just doesn’t want to, and I am not going to argue with him. And Sir and I are just establishing that dynamic, but He has indicated little to no desire to unlock me either, which again I am perfectly fine with. In fact, as I wrote in a previous post, I only sub to men that want me locked. and while I acknowledge that giving someone the key (and trust me, that is not an easy decision) implies they have control (and they do), I think I have chosen wisely so far in who holds my key. The knowledge that they could unlock me but won’t is incredibly erotic. That’s serious trust there. While I will do whatever my KH wants, I’m trusting He will unlock me when I need to be unlocked, because there are times when I have suffered from cage related problems that I shouldn’t have, and I need someone to take charge of my well being, and I trust He will not unlock me for any other reason. In return, he gets a sub who is always ready and willing to satisfy Him.
Right now, the only person who can tell me to come is Trip. If he wants me to come, I come. It’s always been caged since 2018, but it’s still an orgasm. And sometimes he wants me to come. He hasn’t lately. I haven’t cum in months and months. If I have to orgasm, the fact that he keeps me caged while doing so is deeply gratifying, but I get far more sexual pleasure making someone else come than having an orgasm myself. It’s the most submissive thing I can think of, and it brings me pleasure. I wasn’t always a natural submissive, but I have grown and evolved and I know that is where I am at now. And being a submissive means being locked in my mind. I lose that headspace without my cage, I suppose, or at least I find it harder to stay there.
I still have a couple of check ups coming up, assuming everything progresses normally, that will again require cage removal for a period of time, but I think the worst is over. The feeling of relief when the cage goes back on is palpable, because I know it’s how I’m meant to be.