Gone But Not Forgotten

As mentioned in my last post, I no longer have a cock. I have an owned appendage encased in titanium that I use to piss with. I’m not allowed to come unless it’s from other areas of my body being stimulated , and always caged. My former cock will never be unlocked, will never be used for anything but urination, and is none of my concern. That is how the owner of it wishes it, and thus, that is how it is, and I couldn’t be happier about it. For me, this is truly a dream come true (not wanting to jinx anything).

Sir M wants me in a belt. I have zero experience in a belt. I have to admit I’ve thought about them. From the first time I saw a Carrara I wanted one. I fear it is impractical for my daily life, unlike the werks, which will always be my home. I even started the order process once but didn’t go through with it. Still, there is the fact that they are more tough, more isolating, more denying than a cage and that is something I truly long for and, ironically, find arousing (as do most chastity subs, I imagine). They are bad ass pieces of utter security. If the owner wants his chastity slave in a belt, it’s going to happen , and he definitely does. It’s not my place to question his desires, just to fulfill them. That will take some significant time, however, so it’s not something that’s happening right away.

As I’ve progressed deeper and farther in this journey, I have wanted the denial to be more strict. It is such a part of me that I don’t think of the contents (to borrow @thumpermn’s description) as anything other than that, and Sir M doesn’t even consider the contents as anything more than a piss tube. I remember my cock, even if I am to no longer consider it as such. We had some good times together, but I have, hopefully, moved past those reptilian brain needs (at least, I am trying to) and I know that the journey I am on is the correct one for me. Still, it’s a struggle some days.

For now, Sir M owns the cage and the contents, but the rest of me is still mine to do with as I please (mostly). That may change at some point, I don’t know. He has some intriguing ideas of where he wants to go, and I am happy to be on the ride. He is lucky in that he can live the lifestyle 24/7. I (as many of us) can’t because of my career. I wish it were otherwise. I admit to being a bit jealous, but I am also grateful to share in a part of it with him. I feel very blessed to have met him and to have been taken by him.

The kink that has been re-awakened in me and the re-connection to the leather/bdsm community is something I have sorely missed. I didn’t realize how much until I became a part of it again. Things somehow just settle when you reach a certain point in life, even unintentionally. I am grateful to him for opening up those avenues again. I should never have let it get so dormant, but I did. I’ve always been somewhat uncomfortable admitting the depth of my desires. Life happens. It’s no one’s fault. Sometimes other things take priority and its easy to let it fall to the background. You have to actively keep it up and encourage it. You need to put yourself out there (which has been very difficult for everyone the last few years). I’m trying. As I sit here writing this, I’m locked (of course), plugged, and booted in my 20 inch Wesco boss boots. It feels right for me. It’s how I should be. It’s how I need to be, and it’s how I’m going to try to be as often as possible. Even with Trip, after a groundswell of activity, we’ve somehow settled back into old patterns. Mostly because he is not naturally dominant and his heart isn’t really in it. He does, however, always have the last word regarding me, and he has an absolute veto over anything involving me and other people. I think he’s happy to not have to deal with those aspects of my needs.

Being locked didn’t make me a sub, but it does absolutely reinforce that mindset. I’ve always had a submissive streak. I’ve noticed the changes over the years since my former Master and Trip locked me permanently. When I watch porn, for example, my impulse is not to stroke the cock I no longer have, but to play with my hole. That’s my pleasure center. It’s my go to when I’m aroused. The cage gets tight, for sure, but that’s not where my mind goes. I still have a Dom streak, but find I only want to dominate other locked men. I have no desire to go back to the Top I once was. Even if I did, I’m not allowed to ever use the contents again for that type of activity (unless Trip ever wants to use it again). I’m still a better sadist than masochist, and I do enjoy inflicting (consensual) pain, but I enjoy it more with fellow locked men, probably because we have a common desire and start from a place of mutual understanding.

I don’t know where exactly this journey is headed, but I do know that I am all in for the ride. If I end up with an awesome experience and a new circle of kink friends, that will be more than enough. If I end up having my cage (or more) permanently owned, that will be a dream come true. Either way, I think I’m incredibly lucky.

-Doc