That Empty Feeling

What I really miss most is that morning text instructing me what size plug I was to carry that day. Sir had me plugged 5 days a week, and each morning He would sent a cryptic little text indicating His preference. Usually it was “XL” or “XXL”, and every so often, the dreaded “XXXL”. If there was no text, I didn’t carry that day.

I dutifully inserted whichever plug was instructed, but I have to admit I dreaded the XXXL, just because it takes some work to get it in and I can’t pee without removing it, which meant avoiding too much coffee and packing lube. I did love the weight of it, but what I really loved was that I was doing it for Sir; That I was suffering for Him. Didn’t matter what else I had to do, if I got the text, I plugged. I worked out plugged, went on my errands or to work plugged, even went to Disneyland plugged. I just stayed plugged until I went to bed, and occasionally slept plugged as well.

Left to my own devices, I’d probably hardly ever (i.e. never) choose that XXXL monster for daily wear, yet I carried it at least once a week all day long. The pleasure I got from it was equal parts “stimulation and weight” and the knowing that I was plugged because He wanted me plugged. I felt that way about having clamps on my nips as well, they were challenging but I was proud of myself for doing it for Him when he told me to.

I’ve considered asking Tripp to take over plug duties, but honestly, he can’t make up his mind about simple stuff and I seriously doubt he’d ever choose the big boy, because he’s just so nice. I suppose I can just leave it up to random chance and throw dice or spin a “wheel of plugs”, but that doesn’t scratch the itch of being told to plug yourself. Still, Tripp has shown significant sadistic tendencies regarding not allowing me orgasms, so maybe…

Recently, if I do carry a plug, I’ve been just generally carrying the old, reliable, easy XL. It’s not much of a challenge, but it’s a comfortable feeling nonetheless. I stopped for a while after my colonoscopy, because it just takes a while for things to get predictable again, and it’s amazing how tight my ass gets when left undisturbed for a while. You’d think it would just bounce right back, but no. The rest of me might be sagging, but my pussy is as tight as the bark on a tree.

I’m hoping that whatever Dom stumbles into my life will want to plug his boy and will enjoy owning my ass. I’m also hoping he will want to make use of the other options that come with ass ownership. There’s hardly a better feeling for me than having a Sir unload inside me. Sir was, for many years, the only man to do that. I miss that almost as much as the plugging. Being collared, caged, plugged, and used pretty much ticks all my submissive boxes.

Whether I meet someone whose desires to dominate match my desires to submit is something I can’t know. I’m sure there’s someone out there that can fit into that niche and for whom I can fill an empty spot in their life as well. It’s just tough given everything else going on in my life. I don’t have 100% to devote to them all of the time, but I’ll give 100% when I’m with them, or at least I’ll damn well try. Something to aspire to, at any rate.

Ah well, it’s getting late here. Until next time, stay well and stay safe

-Doc

A Little Bit of Normal

Tripp and I did something the other day we haven’t done in a year. We went out to eat. We have been really strict about our Covid protocols, and while we have certainly gotten take out, we haven’t gone anywhere where we sit around with other people. But since we are both 2 weeks post second vaccine, we decided we could go for it.

The lively little downtown has closed the streets to traffic and all the restaurants have set up outdoor dining in front. We sat at a lovely, decently distanced table in the street, scanned the QR code for the menu, and actually ordered and ate in the same spot. It wasn’t weird, or surreal, it was just nice.

The food was so-so. The best part was getting a refill on my iced tea without having to get up and get it myself, I must admit. But still, it’s been almost a year since we did that, and it was so nice not to have to worry about Covid for a change. I remember going to the grocery store when the pandemic started and just feeling so, well, uncomfortable, I suppose. I just didn’t want to be there. Now, we sat and ate (well ventilated outdoors and without tables too close) and there was absolutely no feeling of worry. It wasn’t magical, but it was just so normal. There’s a small chance one of us could still get infected, but it’s highly unlikely we would get severely or even moderately ill. We’ve been so good about limiting contact and masking up and hand washing that I didn’t get a cold this past year, and I always get one (or two).

I’m starting to consider going back to the gym soon. Perhaps in a few weeks. I really need to, but I think that environment is still rather hazardous. I’m not going to take extraordinary risks with Covid just yet, but outside dining, or maybe a small gathering, absolutely.

I do see life returning to a sense of normal over the next few months as more and more people get vaccinated. I encourage every one to get immunized as soon as it’s available to them.

In the meantime, stay safe and stay well,

-Doc

M4M

Wanted: experienced, caring yet sadistic dominant leatherman for locked, plugged, submissive slave. Interest in bondage, discipline, cbt, (desire for boot, cock, and ass worship encouraged). Strong sex drive and desire to fuck highly desirable. Collar desired. Must tolerate that slave is married and has a pup under lock. Slave good in groups and eager to serve.

In the olden days (pre Grindr, scruff, Recon, whatever app you kids use), people would place personal ads. I guess the above is what I would place if I were to do such a thing.

I never have. We used to go out to bars and events to meet people (strange concept, I know). Perhaps, sometimes soon, that will happen again (okay, not bars, they’re sadly dead). I met Sir through a now defunct leather group. I find I need that kind of presence in my life. I need an outlet for my submissive (very submissive) side. I don’t need it 24-7, but I do need it. I need someone who wants me locked and plugged and geared and at his boots. I’m incomplete otherwise. So, I’m open to finding that again.

I’m not trying to replace Sir, just find someone who can fill that void in my life and to whom I can give myself to, wholly and completely from time to time. One offs are definitely not on my agenda and I am well aware that the type of trust this requires takes time, but I’m willing to give it a try if the right man presents himself. I’d love to find another man with whom I can lose myself in and serve with abandon. I need that. I need the discipline. I need to feel his power. I yearn for it.

I don’t know if that will happen again. I’m grateful it happened before, and I consider myself lucky to have had it. But I miss it. I miss it more than I thought. I crave it. I NEED it.

Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m lucky in what I do have, but if a man like the above were to happen into my life again, let’s just say I wouldn’t think twice before kneeling or bending over. If he doesn’t, well it’s better to have loved and lost….

I’m not actively looking, but I’m open to possibilities again. Maybe it will happen? Maybe there’s a man who wants to own me again? I hope so. I’m not a bad package, but I also know I ain’t as young as I used to be, nor as bendy. Still, I’m pretty fuckable. At least, I’m pretty sure I still am. Also, I’ve been told I’m a pretty good cocksucker, so there’s that. Ah, to be 30 years old with a 30 inch waist again….

I don’t know what the future holds. I’ve just decided that things happen for a reason, and I’m going to keep myself open to the possibilities that another Master might find me a desirable piece of property. I may not be beachfront property anymore, but I’m not the middle of the desert either.

Be well and stay safe

-Doc

Casualties

This fucking pandemic has really screwed around with everyone. I guess I’m lucky in not getting sick and having just received my second dose of the Moderna vaccine. I’ve had several close friends get ill and one person I know has died. But I also haven’t escaped unscathed as my relationship with Sir has apparently ended.

It’s no one’s fault, but we haven’t been able to spend time together in a year and that physical connection was just as important as our mental one was. Without my being able to physically satisfy His needs, things just drifted. The connection we have just seemed to fade the longer we were apart.

This has left me feeling adrift. Tripp and I are as strong as ever, but now something is missing. That part of me that needs to serve, to submit, to be owned is left unfulfilled. I’m not sure how to handle this.

It’s interesting to me how much Sir’s desire to have me locked played into my own. I’m still locked (in fact, it’s almost 900 days), but I’m feeling far less motivation to be locked. I always thought that Sir’s desires just reinforced my own, but now I realize how strongly my desire was to please him. Without Him, I’m not feeling it as strongly as I used to.

Sir was the first person to actually put me in a cage, and the excitement I felt about it was intense. It fueled my journey, and without His enthusiasm, I’m feeling a distinct loss.

I haven’t written in a while because this has been a lot to process. I know I need someone like Sir in my life to feel complete. Oh, Tripp likes me locked, but it’s not his be all and end all. I needed Sir’s discipline, His energy, and His enthusiasm. I just feel a bit empty. I have all that submissive energy with no outlet.

I still enjoy being locked. I’m not thinking about not being locked, I just feel somehow that there is less reason to be, if that makes any sense. My dominant side is not having any issues (particularly with a certain Pup I am very fond of), but I need an outlet for the submissive side of my personality. I need to be someone’s slave. I need to feel that use, that pleasure in letting go in someone else’s presence, that feeling of losing myself in someone else’s power.

I’m not sure what the future holds (who is?), but I’m open to the possibilities. Still, I’m mourning the loss of my Master. It’s been tough, but honestly, others have suffered far worse.

Be well and say safe,

-Doc

Life Begins Next Month

So, February 8th is my appointment for my second Moderna vaccine dose. It will take 2 weeks after that for full protection. I’m not going to run out in public without a mask or a have a big party, but I am going to finally stop feeling the existential dread I have been feeling for the last year. I’ve seen COVID up close and personal. It’s not abstract for me, and it’s one fucking scary monster.

What I will do is finally feel safer. I’ll still mask up in public and still take all my normal precautions, because I care about others as well. We don’t know if being vaccinated prevents you from still potentially infecting others, and while the vaccine is 95% effective, it’s not 100%. So until the majority of the population has immunity, it’s no time to let my guard down. However, I think I will feel significantly safer.

I’ve done this before. I grew up during the height of the AIDS epidemic, and until Prep came out, I never felt truly safe. Again, Prep isn’t 100% effective, but it’s pretty darn effective. For the past 30 years, I’ve always had that nagging worry in the back of my mind, and Covid is no different. It’s not an unusual feeling for gay men. I guess we are just used to it, and maybe we handle it better because we haven’t had any choice for a long, long time.

It’s going to be a while before enough people get vaccinated to put this pandemic in the rear view mirror, and the viral mutations are concerning, but I have little doubt that it will happen. Life will get back to normal at some point later this year.

Also, it’s been unbelievably pleasant not having to read the news each morning wondering what damage the Cheetolini has wrought that day. Normalcy is quite pleasant. It’s scary how fragile democracy really is, and I don’t think we quite yet know how far that bastard actually went to subvert it (farther than we know, I have no doubt).

So, life is looking like it might get back to normal in 2021, what with the vaccines coming online and Mr Biden in the White House. And Georgia, I fucking love you!

Have patience, my friends. We have a ways to go, but we will get there!

-Doc

Zero Sex

Okay, the title is slightly misleading. The fact is, this post is not about sex. It’s about all sorts of things (politics, dentistry, etc) but not sex. You have been warned.

I’ve had a headache almost every day for the last two weeks, and it’s all due to my teeth. Even though I had braces as a kid, apparently my bite is mis -aligned and I am wearing my teeth abnormally. The result of that is several crowns and 2 lovely root canals. So my dentist, bless her heart, recommended I do Invisalign. It’s only 15 weeks for me, with a weekly “tray” change, and if that prevents further issues, all to the good. What they don’t tell you is that Invisalign a; makes your teeth hurt, and b; apparently can cause migraines. I’m predisposed to migraines, but I’ve had several since starting this process. This is not fun (as in Trump is an idiot type of understatement). I’m not enjoying this process. Also, you have to brush and floss every time you eat, so I’ve finally found a use for all those kits they give you at your check up, as I’ve been packing a toothbrush, floss, and toothpaste wherever I go. I also had to have several teeth filed to have enough room for them to move. It’s been a joyful two weeks, but my teeth have never been cleaner!

Speaking of the idiot, what a crazy week it’s been! We have our own version of “brown shirts” trying to burn down the reichstag. Who ever would have thought the US would have its own “radicalized terrorists” ala ISIS, and yet, here we are. Sadly, it was rather predictable. We are a fundamental racist country. There is no argument when 70 million angry white people voted for that idiot.

I, for one, can’t wait to see the orange one go, and I see some significant criminal liability in his future. I’m heartened that a significant majority of Americans rejected his racist, populist, fascist bullshit. The results in Georgia were also a tonic for my soul. There are some good people left. There are sadly many deluded, racist people around as well. I’m calling a spade a spade. They only objected to the Black vote. They tried to disenfranchise our African American brothers and sisters . Stacey Abrams is a hero.

I know you don’t read this blog for politics, and I am no expert. I am, however, very knowledgeable about SARS-Covid 19 and the federal government (Trump) had absolutely abrogated its duty. It’s criminal.

Speaking of SARS-Covid 19, I got my first vaccine this past week. I get my booster in another 3 weeks, and 2 weeks after that, I should be essentially immune. I’m lucky to be in the first group. Of course, group 1A also has the highest likelihood of exposure, and I’ve seen so many infections among friends and colleagues, and several deaths. That vaccination was a joyous moment, but I’ll be happier after my booster. 1 in 5 (or more) Californians have Covid, so some protection cannot come soon enough.

Other than that meshugas, things have been about the same. I am working fairly long days, and trying to stay safe and healthy. We have to replace the roof on the house, and my car is at the dealer where neither they nor Volvo can quite figure out what is wrong with it. Since these things come in threes, I’m just waiting for something else to go wrong…. 2021 is not starting out well.

I hope you enjoyed this joyous, uplifting post. At least, I think, things will only get better from here, but then again, who the fuck knows.

Be well.

-Doc

Resolutions

As the year from Hell draws to a close, I have decided to make several resolutions. I don’t normally do this, because I never stick to them, however, in this case, I think I might just be able to manage it.

Therefore, in 2021, I resolve to do the following:

1. Stay locked for an entire year (never mind that I’ve already been locked for more than 2 years….).

2. Work out more. Even if I work out once, it will be more than most of 2020. I think I can do this.

3. Drink less. Honestly, I can’t drink more, although I am a lightweight and I fall asleep after 2 glasses of anything alcoholic. But, 2020 has definitely upped my drinking game, albeit it still at an amateur level. This one may be a challenge.

4. Get fucked more. As in number 2, it’s not possible to get fucked less, so even once is a win. At some point after I’m vaccinated, I still have all those untaken Prep pills, so watch out world! However, as a consequence of number 2, I’m not as fuckable as I should be.

5. Write more. I’ve been up and down on the creative front, mostly because life has been, overall, boring. I hope to have more to share with all you lovely folks.

6. Lock someone. This is a biggie. I’ve really enjoyed being a KH. I want to find someone whose dick I can tease as badly as my own gets teased. I think it would be very fun for all involved. As this, like number 4, requires a willing participant, it might be a challenge. I’m soliciting volunteers. Fair warning; I’m really sadistic

I think 6 resolutions are sufficient for now. We’ll see how it goes. I wish you all a happy, healthy, prosperous 2021 as we emerge from the shit show that was 2020.

-Doc

What a Year

As it’s essentially the 1 year anniversary of my little blog, I’d like to say “what the hell” officially. Little did anyone know when I started this blog what 2020 would turn out to be. I started the New Year and the new blog with optimism. I had been pretty pleased where my life was at, and having sold my practice 5 years previously and worked for “corporate” since then (which I hated), I quit and decided to start a new practice.

That happened in February, then Covid happened. I’ve stayed quite busy, but the new plans got stuck on hold with banks all turning to PPA loans and then having 3 closing officers who actually got Covid and the process dragged out seemingly forever. Couple that with the city essentially shutting down, making permitting impossible, and, well, we are not where we thought we would be by now. I leased a space back in February planning on having everything ready to go by July. Looks like March 2021 is the opening date now. But, at least I have skills that kept me quite employable, and I got to set my own hours again.

Anyhow, besides the obvious elephant in the room causing all sorts of disruptions, some positive things happened as well. Before lock down, I did manage to have lunch with @dualdrew during his myriad travels around the world. I also reconnected with @jockdgear through Drew. It’s one of those “small world” things in that we had known each other 25 years ago but lost touch and found each other again through the chastity/kink community. I’ve connected or reconnected with a number of people I like to think are friends now.

There was also the unexpected pup, which was quite a lovely experience. While distance and Covid make it unlikely anything more will come from it, I did meet a rather nice person and a whole community of pups I didn’t even know existed. I’ll chalk that up as a win. Not sure I’m really up to all that owning a pup entails, but my Dom side got a well deserved work out.

The downside is I haven’t seen Sir since March and I’m not sure where that relationship is going. He’s got a boyfriend now that he is very into, for which I am truly happy for Him, but it will be more than a year since we have played and I feel Him drifting away. I hope He is still interested in having his part time slave, but I have a gut feeling that the relationship is ending. Another casualty of this fucking year. We shall see.

Anyway, let’s hope that things get better. I know the next few months will be truly awful and, for many, catastrophic. But, the end is in sight. I urge you all to double down on being safe until we all get vaccinated. I’m lucky to be in the earlier groups, being an essential worker (but not a front line worker). With the Cheeto heading out and the incoming administration actually having a modicum of decency, I have hope again.

I wish you all the happiest of holidays and an amazing 2021. It’s mostly uphill from here.

-Doc

Sorry I Haven’t Written

I haven’t posted in a while. Everything is fine (well, as fine as it can be given the state of the world). Things here have been hectic, but in a good way. I’ve been quite busy with work and associated things. I’ve come to truly loathe Zoom-style meetings, but have learned that you can pretty much get everything done in half the time when everyone is remote.

With the “third wave” hitting, Tripp and I have been pretty buttoned up. We’ve been getting our money’s worth from the streaming services. If you haven’t watched it, “The Queens Gambit” was absolutely fabulous. Who would have thought that chess could have you sitting on the edge of your seat! Also, Tripp finally caught up with the Maizel clan (whom, I can attest, dramatically resemble my family). I rewatched them all with him. Alex Borstein and Tony Shalhoub are standouts. We’ve also caught up on all the “Great British Bake-off” episodes we missed. I also hate a soggy bottom, FYI.

But I know you’re not here for TV recommendations. Sex wise, there’s definitely something up. Tripp has made me come more times in December than he let me come all the previous months of 2020. When I asked him why, he just told me to “enjoy it while I can” (gulp). I’m not sure what’s being planned, but if I had to guess (and guessing is all I can do), I’m thinking 2021 is going to be a very long dry spell. Just a guess though. I remain locked (834 days and counting) with no plans or desire to change that.

It’s finally leather and boot weather around here, but with nowhere to go, I’m feeling a bit down about that. I doubt they’ll be any events in 2021, but I’ll definitely be attending everything I can in 2022. I’ve got some new gear I’m dying to wear. Maybe they’ll move IML to the fall so we can all be vaccinated. If they do, I’ll be there! I’m planning on attending Folsom next fall. If you are too, say hi.

That’s about it for now. No major happenings or deep thinking right now, just taking it day by day. Stay safe and stay healthy, dear readers.

-Doc

To Fuck or Not to Fuck

I didn’t fuck the boy. I thought about it. I agonized about it. I wanted to, but in the end, I couldn’t.

The first evening, after spending quite some time with my fist in it, I was staring at a beautiful gaping hole and a boy in heat wanting more. A boy I wanted to mark. I’d already put my old Steelwerks on him. The key was right next to the bed, and yet, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

It wasn’t because I didn’t have permission, or because I didn’t want to, or because of the price I would pay. It was because, as I looked at my titanium cock, I realized once again that it was a part of me and removing it would be like removing an arm. Even as we laid together, cages touching, I felt mine was an integral part of me and it struck me deeply that it does not belong to me.

Even on those rare occasions when my cage is removed, I don’t usually take it off. Tripp usually does (and occasionally Sir). Its their cage, and it’s their cock, and I am what I am, a locked man. I need to be locked. I deserve it, and I love it. I feel utterly naked without it. If I looked down and didn’t see the metal, it would look like my cock was missing and I don’t think I would be “me” without it. It’s difficult to describe, but I just don’t see myself as having a free range cock anymore.

I don’t feel emasculated by my cage. Quite the opposite in fact. I don’t see myself as having a useless “nub”. I feel quite powerful locked. When the boy sucked me, even though I couldn’t feel his tongue on my cock, I could see my gleaming titanium dick in his mouth and feel his tongue on my balls. I could face fuck him happily. I get the submissive side of chastity play, and as a scene, it’s quite hot, but it’s not how I feel most of the time. Don’t get me wrong, I love being Sirs locked faggot slave, but that’s just a part of my sexuality. I’m far more dominant than submissive.

That’s not to say my dick didn’t get attention. It certainly did. The pup kept me hard most of the time the entire weekend and almost made me come several times. I didn’t come, but I did want it. I did want to explode all over him and cover him in my spunk. He edged me for a while, but I’m on a hair trigger as I hadn’t had an orgasm in more than a month and the pup goes from 0 to 60 in under two seconds. He’s relentless, and I could barely hold it back. I did leak all over the place though, and I came (pun intended) within a hair’s breath of a ruined orgasm more than once. Subtle is not a word I would use to describe that boy (insatiable, yes, but not subtle).

He also played in my ass, but sadly, my ass is out of shape and really tight, and was feeling less than cooperative. My ass was just not really up to the challenge for whatever reason.

I find it interesting that even when I am being dominant, I don’t necessarily want or need to unlock. Most of the locked men I know who switch unlock while topping. I didn’t and did not feel the need or desire to do that. I don’t feel I need necessarily penetrate someone to be dominant, except perhaps with a strap on. Perhaps I’m alone in thinking this, but it seems to be how I feel now. I used to see D/s sex as the Top who fucked or got sucked and the bottom who sucked or got fucked. Now, I realize it’s more a mental and emotional state. I think being locked makes the power exchange even more extreme, as it has to be much more creative and much more in the head than just a physical act. Having your boots licked is just as powerful as having your cock licked, maybe more so. Still, I don’t say I won’t ever fuck someone again, just that it’s not likely. Perhaps with Tripp there, if he removes my cage, I would be more likely to do it. I don’t know.

The long and the short of it is that, despite my not filling the pup’s guts with my loads, or in fact having an orgasm at all, I had an immensely satisfying experience with him, and I don’t feel that I missed out on anything. I don’t think the pup felt that way either, at least I hope not. Perhaps next time I will cover his face or chest or his locked cock with my semen, caged of course. I think that would be quite satisfying as well and my way of marking him with my titanium dick.

-Doc