Deeper Reflections

I think I’ve been inhabiting the submissive side of my sexuality for so long lately that I have neglected my whole being. As I look back, I have spent the better part of my post-pubescent life as a Top, and a smaller, yet eminently satisfying, part as a bottom. I’m using Top/bottom somewhat interchangeably with Dom/sub because they overlap a great deal in my head, as I’ve never been one for vanilla. Lately, particularly since I’ve been caged, I’ve spent far more time on the bottom/sub side. Some of that was by choice (well hello, Kinky Tripp), and some by circumstance (hello Covid). But by nature, I’ve always been a switch with a stronger Dom side.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped giving myself permission to feel Dominant. The cage is a massive gateway into a submissive headspace for me, but that’s not the only reason. I have been feeling my submissive side more strongly since I’ve been locked because I’ve just been so fascinated by my reconnection with Tripp and his evolution as a Dom. I haven’t wanted to do anything to discourage him or dampen our relationship. But, that does not a bottom make, or at least not a complete bottom. Even locked, I’m still a switch (in fact, I think I’m switchier). It’s just that Tripp has now taken the Dom role in our sex life, and it’s glorious, but hasn’t left me with an outlet for my Dom side.

The guilt I have been feeling is related to that. I feel I am betraying what Tripp and I have rebuilt. But, the truth is, I’m not. Tripp doesn’t want me to be a complete sub, and he has never wanted to invalidate anything I am feeling. If Tripp says I can fuck someone else, even if he doesn’t want to be fucked, that should be enough. Sir has some say in this (my life is complicated), but Tripp is the ultimate authority on all things Doc-dick related. So, I’m giving myself permission to want to fuck a certain pup without the guilt as long as Tripp knows I’m feeling what I am feeling.

That’s the key I forgot. If Tripp knows and accepts it, then why the hell am I feeling guilty? Tripp told me that when he said I was only having caged orgasms from now on, he meant with him. Our dynamic is one where my cock will never be used again, and that’s unlikely to change. He still says he’d consider letting me fuck someone else, with permission, on occasion. That’s the kink dynamic we have developed between us, and it works for us. Because I want my cock in Tripp’s mouth or ass and he won’t let that happen, he controls, denies, and delightfully frustrates me. He makes me feel submissive in a way he never could before, but he doesn’t see me as a submissive, and neither do I. As I said before, if Tripp ever decides to unlock me to fuck him, I will fuck him without hesitation. What I wanted to give Tripp, and what he has taken from me, is ownership of my cock. Tripp gets to decide, and I want him to. He decides if I have an orgasm. He doesn’t allow masturbation. He decides what I can do with my dick.

There’s no right or wrong way, there’s just what works in a relationship and moves it forward and what doesn’t. I think I lost focus on that in my quest to be the perfect chaste man. But chastity is mainly a mental game with some metal involved, and if I am always mentally locked, it shouldn’t matter if I am physically locked. Tripp owns my cock. It’s that simple. The cage is just icing on the cake (very sexy, kinky icing). It’s a symbol, like my wedding band. As long as I am open with him, and he allows me to borrow my cock back, then I should have no reason to feel conflicted.

If Tripp decides I can unlock for a particular reason, then his ownership remains intact, because he is allowing it. I’ve not been spending every waking minute of these last two years asking to fuck boys. In fact, I haven’t asked at all, until now. I’m as much of a Dom Top as I ever was (about 75% if I had to guess), just one who doesn’t control what happens to his own cock, and that’s just fine by me. Just because there’s a cage on my dick, that doesn’t make me a submissive. I know, it’s counter-intuitive. Dominance or submission is a feeling, a head space, and that feeling can change in different circumstances. The cage just amplifies those feelings. I’ve got ample experience with that.

However, there is no doubt that I have been changed by being caged. I’ve been rewired. The feeling of my cock being encased, of the pressure that builds when I am aroused, of the inability to satisfy my desires is something I crave. My brain sees my dick as a titanium one virtually all of the time, (but apparently not 100% of the time). It feels wrong when I’m unlocked for whatever reason. The fact that in the past two years, despite numerous opportunities, I have never thought of asking to be unlocked tells me this is true. The fact that I am considering asking tells me that deep within me, despite these changes, my Dom side, in particular circumstances,still has the desire to do that most dominant thing a man can do to another man; impale and inseminate him. I just have to accept that these conflicting feelings can co-exist and there is nothing inherently wrong with having them.

Whatever I decide (okay, whatever Tripp decides), I have decided that there is no reason to feel shame or guilt over wanting it, or asking if I can have it. Tripp has never judged me. He may say no, but not out of spite, and he won’t make me feel badly. That’s just not who he is. He might decide to keep me denied, because evil Tripp likes me that way. I can see all the fun he could have. He is developing some very worrying Sir-like tendencies (seriously, one Sir is hard enough. As you know, Sir has already weighed in). But he very well may say yes. Our relationship is ours, and it doesn’t have to fit anyone else’s concepts of what it should be. I don’t know why I try to make things so black or white. There’s plenty of grey. It would be easier if he just told me to fuck the boy without my having to ask. That’s happened in the past. The sub side of me would feel more comfortable, which I admit is a bit weird when I think about it. Have I really become that submissive? I don’t think so. I think that’s just the guilt talking again, and the fact that I find Dom Tripp just really fucking sexy. I mean, order me to fuck someone…hell yeah. That’s a win-win for me. Whatever Tripp decides, I’m giving myself permission to have the desires. It’s in Tripp’s hands. I can’t think of anybody I’d rather have own my cock.

-Doc

Published by Locked Doc

Middle aged switch reclaiming his kink and exploring Bdsm with both his husband and his Master. Always locked.

One thought on “Deeper Reflections

  1. I very much enjoy the way you talk about Tripp and your relationship. It’s such an incredible thing when two men, who love one another, can reinvent themselves sexually, together. Over and over again. I mean, that’s the whole point of life in my opinion. Being the most naked version of ourselves. Not just for us as individual men but for the ones we love. Giving practically every single piece of ourselves to another person as a gift, with bonds, of true love.

    The thing I have always taken comfort from within the BDSM world, where I grew up, is its ability to provide a no shame space for all kinds of experiences. Regardless of sexuality, gender identification, or fragile male ego. It’s the kiln within which we come out, pardon the euphemism, purified. Unlike yourself though, the cage makes my already strong Dom side even stronger. Denial for me is not about bottoming. Submissive, maybe in the sense of allowing myself to take it off and fuck a hot ass to give my partner the pleasure of my cock, and myself the joy of hearing his reactions. But, where we align, is that I was never really called on to bottom, but I did enjoy it during the few times I have… I would never identify, or remotely want to be, a bottom. More often than not, when I run into an “I’m a total bottom” kind of guy, I just feel sorry for him and, well, if the guy purports to be a sub, then it’s presumptuous for him to not give me pleasure by choosing to use his cock if I want to. That was even pre my own self caging period as far as a realization from my decades’ long career as a fister.

    Bravo on the post! Also, lucky pup for you going through this process and stoking your top fire again. He’s going to have an awesome time with you from the sound of it.

    Like

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