I’m not talking about the Sex and the City reboot (for fuck’s sake, just call 911 Carrie), but rather the turn of events that happened last week. I think I have whiplash. Never in my life has something changed so radically in 24 hours. In fact, it happened 24 hours after my last post. I actually considered taking that post down, but the blog is about my life and it was how I felt at that time, blissfully unaware that everything was going to unravel just a few hours later.
Everything with (then) Sir was going great. We had been texting or talking (and sexting) daily. We had a weekend planned (for this coming weekend in fact). He was picking out a collar. I was ready to give him a key. That’s a big step, in case you don’t know. It signifies ownership for a Dom as much as a collar does for a sub. He was talking excitedly about finally breeding my ass, as it was unavailable the last time we were together. I was looking forward to him marking and claiming it. And then it happened.
He sent me a text saying “I am not going (on the trip). I’m letting you know so you can do whatever you need to do”. I immediately knew something was up. For 3 months he has never referred to himself as “I”, always as “Sir”, and never referred to me as anything but “my pig”. When I got that text, I knew it was over. I didn’t know why, but I knew. Sure enough, when I asked, he eventually responded that he was walking away. I honestly have no fucking clue as to what the issue is/was. It was so out of the blue that I was absolutely blindsided.
If you asked me to design a Dom who was perfect for me, it would be pretty close to him. Yes, I could be bitchy and comment on his shortcomings (there were some), but I won’t. I was careful this time. We were getting to know each other over time. We spent time together and it all seemed to click. He could put me completely into subspace, and he made me feel truly like the sub pig I know I can be. I would have done almost anything he desired. Only then did I move ahead, and then, just like that, just as everything seemed to be coming together, it was over. I’m disappointed, but I am far from devastated. In fact, I thoroughly enjoyed the time we did have. I enjoyed the tasks (ball weights, throat training, cage checks, etc). I enjoyed feeling owned for the first time in years. And I will enjoy it again, when a different man comes along. A man who perhaps more appreciates the gift of submission. It’s just so odd that it happened so suddenly. I don’t really know what is going on in his head, and it doesn’t really matter. I’d like to understand. I’d like to know if it was something about me, or just about him, but I doubt I ever will. He has not been particularly communicative, and I have no desire to ask again.
As the song says, “I chose and my world was shaken, so what? The choice may have been mistaken, the choosing was not. You’ve got to move on.” So I will. In fact, I have. The remainder of my life hasn’t changed. My friends (old and new) have been incredibly kind. Trip was so upset for me that he suggested I go away anyway just to get my needs met, so to speak (but I cancelled the trip). I’m going to IML next month anyway. Also, thanks to several amazing men, I’ll be having a bit of a good time soon enough. I’m not exactly sure what they have planned, but that is part of the fun.
I’m not writing about this for sympathy. Honestly, please do not feel sorry for me. I don’t. I’m just documenting the very abrupt end of what I thought was going to be a long D/s relationship. I was, clearly, wrong.
“Look at what you want, not at where you are, not at what you’ll be, move on….move on.”
P.s. if you’re a homosexual and do not know the song reference, you must immediately return your gay card. It’s Sondheim.