I had an astounding response to my post about how I am trying to break out of the boxes I created, and that got me wondering how I got there in the first place and why it took me so long to get out. I’m also wondering why it resonated so deeply with my readers. I don’t have a lot of readers, but that post got a lot of attention. I think it’s a combination of my own hang ups and my upbringing (nature v nurture).
Sex was never talked about in my family. It simply wasn’t done. Not in public, not in private. My parents were not outwardly affectionate. They didn’t hold hands, they didn’t kiss, they slept in separate beds. I know now that their marriage was not a happy one, and indeed was almost a sexless one. They had sex at least twice, because neither my brother nor I are adopted, but (as I found out when Dad walked out), that was pretty much it. That was what I thought was normal. They shouldn’t have gotten married. They cared for each other and there was a connection there, though, but they weren’t intimate. I grew up thinking this was how everyone was. I also grew up gay and kinky, which I was ashamed of.
My older brother is somehow less hung up about it than I am. Everything I learned about sex as an adolescent, I learned from him (and from the Penthouse Forums he used to have). He is also kinky and I know this because when I stayed with him once over spring break I heard him getting spanked. Later, his wife told me all about his kinks (TMI, dude, TMI) and the talk of penis size even came up (I’m bigger, I’m happy to report. Also, I have better hair). so obviously it’s not all nurture and some of it is my nature.
I have difficulty talking about sex. I’m better about it now, but I still get nervous and panicked and I stumble over words and just feel fucking uncomfortable. I’m over 50 years old, and I still feel like an embarrassed child when sex comes up. I’m also still a little ashamed of my homosexuality at times. My brother, while kinky, is straight and didn’t have to deal with those issues. I think that is definitely a compounding factor. When I was a kid, virtually no gay men were out. I had no role models.
I spent months trying to work up the courage to ask Tripp to lock my dick up. Tripp knows I’m kinky. Tripp is kinky. We’ve been together for 12 years. Yet, all those feelings came up every time I tried to talk about it. Want to know how I did eventually ask him? I texted him. Text is easy. It’s removed, it’s less personal. You don’t have to look at the other person, so the disappointment and reproach you just know is coming isn’t so in your face. But there was no disappointment, no reproach, he just said yes. That’s when I started to wake up. I also recently discovered that Tripp reads my blog (yikes), so I guess that’s another way I’m putting it out there without actually opening my mouth, because writing is easier. I never asked him not to read it, but I assumed he wouldn’t. There’s stuff in here I’ve never told anybody, but I’m happy about it because I want intimacy with him.
Somehow, I thought that the world would end, that everyone would hate and shun me, that no one would love me if they know what I desire sexually. I know it’s not true because whenever I have spoken about it, nothing bad has happened. Nobody (other than my mother who simply wouldn’t acknowledge it) cared that I was gay when I finally came out. I spent years worrying about it, and it was such a non event, it’s comical. They all knew anyway.
I fear judgment. I still stumble over introducing Tripp as my husband in public because of that fear. It’s irrational. I know, but it’s real. I sometimes shy away from kissing him in public (unless that public is all homosexual).
My renewed intimacy with my husband is wonderful, and I’m experiencing a freedom I don’t think I’ve felt in quite some time. I’m curious as to what readers who identified with that post think caused their similar feelings? Feel free to leave a comment and tell me why you think you’ve boxed yourself in. In the meantime, I’m going to message Tripp a picture of my caged dick, which is hard now because I’m thinking of him.