If you could change one thing about your body, what would it be? I’ve thought about that, and I think I know the answer. There are a lot of options. Would I want a bigger dick? Sure, I’d love to have a porn star dick, but since it’s locked away, there seems little point in that. Muscle?; I’d like my body to be in way better shape. I can do that through hard work though. Still, I’d give serious consideration to being far more muscled than I am. Sir likes muscle boys. I’m a bit flabby now. I used to have a tight body, but as I’ve gotten older, that’s been harder and harder to maintain, and since I’ve stopped going to the gym the last few months, I’m losing the battle of the flab. So, yes, I’d seriously want to be buff again. Hair? Oh, that’s a good one. I’m jealous of guys who have good hair. I have good hair days, when it’s banging and I feel really good about it, but I have far more days where I fight with it and no amount of product seems to make it better. I’ve always wanted better hair. I envy men with effortlessly beautiful locks. You know …Hemsworthy hair. It’s one of the first things I notice. I’d also like my ass to be stretchier. I struggle with a fist. I’d like to be able to take huge toys easily.
However, the thing I would choose is pain tolerance. I’m not a pain pig, but I want to be. I’ve wanted to be for as long as I can remember. I’m incredibly jealous of guys who can take a serious beating or whipping. I’m jealous of men who can proudly show off the scars of serious s/m. I’ve wanted to be able to do that so badly. I’m okay with pain. I can take a decent amount, but I rarely enjoy it, and I want to enjoy it. I know it can be done, because it’s happened to me a few times. I’ve gotten to the point where I no longer feel pain, but just an incredible sense of peace and ecstasy, but it’s rare. Once, during a flogging I went out of my body. Sir swapped to a single tail and I swear I almost came from it, each lash felt amazing and the marks they left were so sexy, but try as I might, I’ve never repeated that experience. For me, pain just fucking hurts, and I have to put up with it hoping I can break through to where it becomes transcendent, but that’s the exception. Usually, it’s something I get through rather than something I look forward to. I do it because I like pleasing Sir more than I like or dislike being hurt.
Still, I’ve always been attracted to sadists. I want to suffer for them. I also want to enjoy that suffering physically as well as mentally, and I have on occasion. I just wish it was more frequent. I don’t know what triggers that transformation. I wish I did so I could experience it more often. It just happens when it does, but usually, sadly, it doesn’t. I want to be that guy that has been whipped for hours, is left battered and bleeding, and with the biggest hard on of his life. I’d like to be the guy that has hundreds of needles piercing him. I’m not that guy, though. I’m the guy that will stop a scene because his cock ring is pinching him wrong. I mean, there’s good pain and bad pain, and that’s just bad pain.
There are some things I’m good at. I’m really good with electro, my balls are always a willing target, and I’m generally into flogging on my back. I want to be good at everything. I want to be that guy who says “hurt me” and gets off on it the minute it starts. I’m the guy that says “hurt me” and hopes he gets to the point where he transcends the actual pain. That happens maybe 30% of the time. Sir loves hurting me and I want to please him. It would be easier for me and better for him if I could get past it consistently. I want every experience to feel the same way as ball torture does; immensely pleasurable.
I just feel like I disappoint Sir on the days my body doesn’t cooperate. He says I don’t, but I’m pretty sure I do. I disappoint myself at any rate. I want him to leave me battered and bruised and feeling amazing about it. Sometimes, I feel battered and bruised and just grateful I got through it. I wouldn’t mind good hair and muscles too, please.
-Doc