The Struggle is Palpable

Readers of this blog know I identify as predominantly Dominant with a submissive side I enjoy exploring. That’s how much of my sex life has been. I’ve always been involved with, dated, or married, in Tripp’s case, a sub. Sir was the Dom in my life, and that was an almost perfect balance for me.

Once I asked Tripp to lock me, that changed. I’ve had few opportunities to express my Dom side, and I wasn’t missing it so much at the time. I was (and still am) far more enamored with the resurrection of the intimacy between my husband and myself.

I’ve never been one who went out of their way to get fucked. I far prefer being the one who fucks. There is an exception to that, which is Sir. I crave having Him inside me. I suspect that has to do with His ability to transform me into His slave. I never think about my cock with Sir. I don’t think about being hard or how tight my cage may be. I think about pleasing Him and exciting Him to the point He will fuck me, because I need Him to. Other than if He is torturing it, I don’t think about my cock at all. I think only of His cock and the ache deep inside me to have Him in me. I feel complete when His load explodes inside my guts.

For the most part, these last 2 years, I’ve settled into a fairly happy routine as a caged male. I naturally think about my lack of access to my cock, and I’ve found that erotic. I enjoy the times when my cock is trying to explode out of its cage. But I haven’t had an overwhelming desire to have it let out to play. Most of our play has been quite focused on the opposite: denying me. That’s been a comfortable, satisfying, and exciting place for me.

Recently, due to the appearance of a certain pup, my Dominant side has come roaring back to life, and my awareness of my cock has grown infinitely. For the first time in quite a while, there is somebody who I want to ram my cock into and who can and does want me to. But, I don’t own my cock anymore, and it’s not something I am allowed to do. My horniness and frustration levels are stratospheric lately. Normally, I’d describe my sexual state of mind as steady with occasional bouts of extreme desire. Now, the report is more “storm watch” with extreme horniness likely.

Initially, I was supposed to be locked and have permission to be let out to play. Tripp has even unlocked me to fuck him (once, in 2018). More recently, my lock up was made essentially permanent. The fact that I now want to fuck the brains out a certain pup is both a blessing and a curse. It reminds me that being locked was initially my choice, and it’s a choice I must live with. While not regretting my choice, I must say that I do wish the option to fuck was still on the table.

To be fair, the option is still on the table, sort of. Sir and Tripp know all about the pup and they have been enjoying both seeing my natural Dominance at play and the frustration it causes me. Because He is wickedly sadistic, Sir offered me a “bargain”. He offered to let me unlock and fuck the pup when we get together, BUT, if I choose that, I won’t be allowed another orgasm for at least 270 days. The choice is mine. If you knew Sir, you’d know this is exactly the kind of game he loves to play. Rock, meet hard place.

It’s a conundrum. My lizard brain is battling with me. I’ve gone 265 days without an orgasm (last year), and I know it’s possible. I know that once I get to a certain point, it in fact becomes easier. But I also know the first few months are torture, and I’m not sure if one fuck, no matter how good it is, is really worth it. It’s a puzzlement.


Published by Locked Doc

Middle aged switch reclaiming his kink and exploring Bdsm with both his husband and his Master. Always locked.

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