I’ve really been enjoying co-hosting the Chastity Chat Twitter space with @thumpermn (other than I realize my voice is far less Barry White and far more eerily close to The Nanny when I hear the recording). We’ve discussed a number of topics and the insights of some of the participants always makes me think more about what I was inelegantly trying to say. I think a lot about things related to my locked status and sometimes I have small epiphanies. I also think I write better than I speak when trying to articulate my thoughts.
Our recent chat started with me asking Thumper (who I shall refrain from calling Mr, Sheffield) about his recent post regarding his meditation on being locked as a way to deal with the occasional frustrations locked men have. I’ve been having extreme bouts of horniness since I started a relationship with Sir. After Sir and I talk, I am so worked up that I want to jerk off so badly. Its what I’ve always done when excited since I was twelve. It’s my reptile brain response to sexual stimuli. I am not allowed to masturbate, locked or not. I can reach orgasm locked using a wand. Even though it’s caged, if it’s initiated by me, it’s masturbation, and that’s a no go. It would break my rules and I would feel (after a moment of intense pleasure) just awful and depressed. But why do I feel this? I’ve been locked essentially permanently for over 3 years. You’d think I’d have already figured out how to deal with it.
Sir Steven (@txlthrman) I think hit the nail on the head. It’s the sub energy that Sir creates that is bubbling up, ever building, and without Sir there, it has nowhere to go. I feel like a volcano, the pressure building and building and yet unable to release and eventually I feel like I will blow if there is nowhere that energy can be directed. With Sir, he can feed off that energy. It is directed at him and powers my service to him. That type of build up will make me crave pleasing him and will open the floodgates of submission. But without him, it has no where to go and I have no way of dealing with it, other than repeating my mantra to myself that I belong to him, he controls my cock, he decides my orgasms, and I just have to accept that. Acceptance, as Thumper said, is the most important thing, perhaps only second to gratitude.
Understanding where this is coming from is key to dealing with it, though I struggle. I’ve not thought about wanting the device removed, I’ve just wanted to orgasm to relieve the incredible pressure of the submissive magma filling my chamber. I can, for better or worse, cum in my device (with a little vibrational assistance). But I don’t and can’t orgasm without permission, so it’s left to build and build until I feel I will explode. And it’s difficult. Sir just feeds my sub-energy like no one I’ve met before, including my former Master. He is as turned on by me being caged as I am, and that is an incredible thing for a locked man. We think about our cages all the time. Most Dominants don’t, but he does.
Another complicating factor is that I normally reach for a plug or a dildo when I feel this way, and due to needing to have some surgery, I can’t do that right now. With my ass out of commission, and Sir hundreds of miles away, I’m left with few options other than to ride it out. What has helped me tremendously is the community of locked men I have cobbled together whom I feel I can reach out to: thumper, dual Drew’s Jack, Caged Woodsman, jock’d , all of whom understand and are supportive.
I can’t stress enough how a support network of like minded men can be important in difficult times, whether like me you are just needing someone to talk you through it, or having existential doubts about your ability to remain caged. It helps. I think every locked sub should find that, and find mentors on the Dominant side if they are self locked.
I’m not forgetting Trip. But Trip is not naturally dominant, and try as he might, he doesn’t ignite that kind of submissive fire. Our relationship is different. It’s filled with love and care, but it’s not a true D/s dynamic (with me as the s), and I need that as much as I need him. I love him, I don’t ever want to be without him, but he cannot create the energy that Sir can, and he knows it. That’s why he has never had an issue with me being owned by another man. As long as his needs are taken care of, it generally has not been a problem. He’s shared me with others since we met. It’s not new. Me being a submissive with him was new, and it was moderately successful, but since his heart isn’t really in it, it isn’t as satisfying for either of us.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that what I am feeling, I realize, is exactly the energy that powers a successful D/s relationship, and I need to accept that the outlet for that energy won’t always be available to me. Understanding the why is a huge step towards accepting that what I am feeling is actually a good thing, and realizing it will have an outlet before planetary destruction occurs.